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Entry 20: Toots

I had plans to go to a bar called Tonic with some of my girls. The night was going great and I was ready to partake in my share of drinking and dancing at the trendy hot spot. I went up to get what I believe was my third gin and tonic--what my friends claim was my fifth--when a heard a familiar voice.

"Hey! Miss Pell!"

I turned to see Misty's cousin, Terry the dog groomer, staring down at me. All 320 pounds of flannel wearing Terry was eagerly eyeballing me with her rough, reddish skin and Marlboro Red dangling from the side of her mouth.

"John Goodman, hey." I was drunk and giggling and I'm not sure she understood what I just said. Plus, I was extremely shocked to see her in this type of club.

"Um...no, it's Terry, Misty's cousin." She said. Maybe Terry never watched Roseanne.

"Yeah, um Terry, I need to get a drink and join my friends and pee. You have a good night." I needed a way out. Fast.

"Wait, let me buy you a shot. Least I can do," She offered. Who can pass up a free shot?

She bought me a jager-bomb and as soon as the bartender served it up, I quickly snatched it, downed it, and muttered a quick, "Thanks!" before I dashed away.

This was followed by Terry loudly saying, "No problem toots!"

Puzzled and feeling a vaguely violated, I double fisted the rest of that night.

The next day my friends said I was so drunk that I could barely stand. They said in the cab ride home I kept proclaiming over and over that, "John Goodman called me toots."

Entry 19: God Bless America

During activity time, I noticed Daria digging in her butt, as usual. She was standing with her back to the corner, facing me, with both hands down the back of her pants and an odd satisfied grin on her face.

Whenever I catch any student with his or her hand down their pants I'll remind them that this is not appropriate, ask them if they need to use the restroom, and then make sure they wash their hands.

"Daria, where are your hands?"

Daria smiles and takes them out and hold them in the air to show me.

"Thank you, Daria. Do you need to use the restroom?"
"No, I itch."
"Okay, how about you go wash your hands now."

Daria begins to waddle to the classroom sink to wash her hands.

Then I noticed something. Peeking over the waistband of her pants, directly above her butt, was our tiny classroom American flag--the kind on a stick that costs a dollar at Wal-mart. It was just flapping in the breeze as she sauntered to the sink to wash her patriotic little hands.

Even though I guess it was a little unpatriotic, I made sure she threw that flag away.

Entry 18: Xena Story

This morning went rather well in class. It is funny how the kids calm down and are rather tired on days that it is raining. Maybe because it seems dark outside and they think they should still be asleep. Not a lot happened during morning math, reading and coloring. The highlight of the morning was Sara nibbling a little on her crayon. However, when lunch came around the kids started to perk up.

Usually my assistant sits with the kids at lunch and I get a break, but she was out today. They were all excited to go to the lunchroom since it was a Thursday. Thursdays in our school is chocolate milk day, and they all get two small cartons of it with their lunch.

I had them all seated and I was helping them get situated when I noticed Misty standing up on her chair. She had been ranting about something she'd seen on Xena all morning. (Her parents bought her the first 2 seasons on DVD). She was holding the circular lid to her Tupperware in her hands and was telling Anni that it is her "Chakram" just like Xena's (I looked it up--it's some weapon Xena used).

All of a sudden she let's out this warrior-like scream,

"Ah la la la la la la la la!"

I see Misty whip the lid as hard as she could. It flew, quite well I must say, across the room and nailed Steve in the forehead.

Steve sat for a second, and then summoned all his energy and let out a piercing wail. He let it out with so much force over a span of three minutes that he ended up crapping his pants.

I had to take him to the office to call his parents and explain what a red welt was doing on his forehead.

When I asked Misty about why she threw her Tupperware top at Steve she simply replied, "Steve is the enemy."

Entry 17: Sick Daria

Daria got a really bad ear infection and needed to have a minor procedure done. She was in the hospital for a day or two and missed school for a week to recover.

After the third day of her absence, I explained to the class where she was even though no one noticed she was gone. Anni asked with a quivering lip why Daria was in the hospital.

Before I could explain, Jay asks, "Is it because when she spilled Kool-aid on the carpet last week?"

I think maybe Jay has been witness to some domestic violence.

Entry 16: Quote from the Playground

On the playground:

Jay runs up to me holding a clump of grass that he had just ripped out of the schoolyard in his hand.

Jay: "Miss Pell, do you have a bag?"
MP: "For what Jay?"
Jay: "For my grass stupid."
MP: "Jay we don't call people stupid and we don't keep grass. Throw it down."
Jay, said while exiting in a semi-stomping tamtrum, "My brother gets to keep his grass in a bag!"

This was followed up by an awkward call from me to Jay's parents.